woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
