I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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