I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
