My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
