I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
