Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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