textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
