Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
