I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
