god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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