I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
