Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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