So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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