Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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