bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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