Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
