last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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