If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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