I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
