Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
