he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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