just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
