Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
