The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
