It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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