2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
