Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
