is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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