Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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