How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
