i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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