The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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