My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
