How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You may now shotgun with the bride
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
