yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
