My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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