if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
