Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
whose ass print is on the piano?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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