Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
