I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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