When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
