My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
