He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just want nice things and good sex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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