he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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