Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
