My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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