The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
