I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
