Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
