sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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