He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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