Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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