Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
