It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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