His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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