I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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