Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
