The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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